Another Take on Writer's Block

I thought I was just shy. (see 6 Things People Think You Are Instead of Shy)

Today’s post isn’t directly about writing. It’s about a disorder that affects writing. It’s also about fear. It’s about not living a full life and writing complex and memorable fiction. This disorder has crippled my soul and diminished my life. I have begun to take steps toward dealing with it (right now only by bringing it up in therapy and writing about it). I thought everyone else saw the world in the pessimistic way I do. I was wrong. If you don’t have this disorder, it will be difficult for you to relate to it. But if you do…

Since I just discovered I have this disorder that I’ve suffered from all my life without knowing it, I thought I would blog a little more about it. I introduced it here. I’m writing about it in more depth today because it goes a long way to explain my chronic writer’s block, procrastination, and my emotional paralysis (you feel emotionally numb all the time) which I understand has to do with something called “toxic shame.”  I long wondered why I had such a difficult time getting up inside the heads of my characters in order to write on an emotional level that could move the reader.

It all has to do with fear: fear of screwing up, fear of failing, fear of looking like or being a fool, fear of succeeding, or fear of some nameless dark blob that engulfs you. For writers, that fear of screwing up or looking like a fool (or even of succeeding) leads to the impossible stuck place of perfectionism. It’s rigid and it sucks. It’s probably the biggest cause of writer’s block.

I am admittedly self-diagnosed, but I always knew there was something wrong with me (a common statement I’ve read on avoidant personality forums). It’s a much more common problem than many realize. And like me, many don’t even realize they have it. They just know they are depressed and anxious, especially around other people, and don’t know why. Apparently social phobia, schizoid personality, and Asberger’s syndrome share some characteristics. My niece has Asberger’s and I never could figure out why she always hid in her room when people came over. Her abiding obsession was Neopets. Now she creates the most amazing art and she is beautiful. But I never realized I do what she does: I hide from people. I have a supportive family, but zero friends. It’s very lonely where I am.

Avoidant personalities are just like the label says: we avoid things and people and all risk. Avoiding conflict in fiction leads to…no fiction at all. But as an avoidant (an avie) I avoid conflict in real life and in my fiction. I avoid emotion, risk, and social interaction. Which makes me a hermit. A recluse. There have been reclusive writers in human history. Emily Dickinson, for example, had agoraphobia. Writers have dealt with emotional paralysis in stories, too. Joyce’s Dubliners, for example. And many writers have suffered from depression. There’s a long list of them, and some have taken their own lives. I have managed to overcome my depression, but now I have a new hurdle: Figuring out how to stop running away from people all the time. If I suspect for one second that someone is judging me or something I said, of if they criticize me (my perception of criticism may not reflect realty–my perception is almost always skewed), I avoid that person forever (unless some kind of bridge is crossed)

Fiction has hurdles too, if you use/follow plot lines. There’s always a new hurdle for the character to face, to make choices, and to evolve (or devolve).  Since I’ve shut myself in this last time (it seems to be getting worse) I’ve managed to write ten short stories (all under 1.000 words), which I’ve never done before. The wounded artist creates, I guess. Apparently the only way I’m going to make any progress away from being an avie is to take baby steps back into the abyss of social interaction. I wonder if there are any writers (and other folks) who are reading this who have ever wondered why they procrastinate or make excuses or feel extremely uncomfortable around other people? WordPress (sort of ) has an AvPD tag, but it doesn’t have many posts attached to it. AvPD seems to be a little known/hidden disorder, or else avoidants mostly just avoid writing about it.

Bottom line, avoidance comes from fear. The only way to get over fear is to move through it. I’m telling myself that. I am.

{photo credit: Ladies Who Critique}

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• Writer’s Block, Mrs. Tuller, and Real Life (mthupp.wordpress.com)
• Overcoming Writer’s Block (vikingproducts.wordpress.com)